Give a friend advice they want by asking first
Say how it feels, then ask what they want: “Want my take, or just someone to listen?” If they want your take, give it. If they want to vent, listen.
Ask if they want advice
Ask what they want before you give your take.
When a friend brings you a problem, you often know right away what you’d do. First say how it feels, then ask what they want: “That’s a lot. Want my take, or just someone to listen?” If they want your take, give it. If they want to vent, listen. Advice they didn’t ask for sounds like a verdict on how they’re handling it.
Listen
“My manager wants me to move to the Denver office.”
Listen
Not this: Do it. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
This: Denver? That’s a big decision. Want my take, or are you still thinking it over?
When a friend’s mom keeps sending her job listings
Saturday, your friend Lucia is over at your place
Listen
LuciaMy mom keeps sending me job listings in other cities. I don’t even want to move.
Listen
What would you say?
Listen
Ugh, that sounds stressful. Why not just mute her for a while?
Listen
Just tell her to stop. You’re an adult.
Listen
Ugh, that’s a lot of pressure. Do you want ideas, or did you just need to say it?
Listen
Compare the two replies
“My manager wants me to move to the Denver office.”
Listen
Not this: Do it. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
This: Denver? That’s a big decision. Want my take, or are you still thinking it over?
What does the second reply do before any advice?
Listen
It asks what they want.
Listen
It agrees with them.
Listen
It gives better advice.
Listen
When someone’s ex texts “I miss you”
WillMy ex just texted me “I miss you.” I don’t know what to do.
Listen
You: You should block him tonight.
Does this reply ask before giving advice?
Listen
Advice first
Listen
Asks first
Listen
When someone is thinking about quitting to go back to school
TashaI’m thinking about quitting my job to go back to school.
Listen
You: That’s a big step. Do you want to hear what I think?
Does this reply ask before giving advice?
Listen
Advice first
Listen
Asks first
Listen
When a friend’s roommate never cleans
Thursday, texting your friend Dev
Listen
DevMy roommate never cleans. I’m losing my mind.
Listen
What do you say first?
Listen
Have you tried talking to him about it?
Listen
Ugh, that’s exhausting. Want ideas, or do you just need to vent?
Listen
Ugh. Chore chart, or just talk to him?
Listen
When a friend says they just need to vent
Friday night, a text from your friend Kurt
Listen
KurtI don’t need advice. I just need to vent about work this week.
Listen
Kurt wants to vent. What do you say?
Listen
Ugh, same. My week was awful too.
Listen
Go for it. What happened?
Listen
Okay, but have you thought about looking for a new job?
Listen
When someone’s dad wants them to take over his shop
CeliaMy dad wants me to take over his shop. I don’t know if I want to.
Listen
Say how it feels, then ask if she wants your take.
Listen
One way to reply
- React to what they saidThat’s a lot to put on you.
- Ask them a questionDo you want my take, or do you just need to talk it out?
The reply says this is a lot for Celia, then asks if she wants your take, so any take you give later is one she asked for.
Listen
Lines to leave out
- Take it, you’d be great at it. It makes the decision for Celia. Ask whether she wants your take first.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - Just follow your heart. It sounds kind, and it’s still advice Celia didn’t ask for. Ask whether she wants your take first.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
What the research found
Advice placed where it seemed asked for came across as more considerate.
Your mission
Next time a friend tells you about a problem, ask what they want from you before you give your take.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Danny follows this lesson’s questions.