Respond to a friend venting: say how it feels, then ask
A fix comes to mind fast. Hold it: say how it feels, like “That’s so stressful,” and ask what happened. Give one idea once they want ideas.
Listen before you fix
When a friend has a problem, say how it feels and ask about it before you suggest anything.
When a friend tells you about a problem, a fix comes to mind fast. Hold it. First say how it feels: “Ugh, that’s so stressful.” Then ask about it: “What happened?” Once they’ve told you more and want ideas, give one. A fix that comes first tells them the feeling can wait.
Listen
“My flight got canceled. I’m going to miss my brother’s graduation.”
Listen
Not this: Can you get a train instead?
This: Oh no, his graduation? That’s awful. Does he know yet?
When a friend’s report gets torn apart in front of everyone
Monday evening, a text from your friend Lisa
Listen
LisaUgh. My team lead tore my report apart in front of everyone today.
Listen
What would you say?
Listen
That sucks, I’m sorry.
Listen
In front of everyone? That’s humiliating. What did she say?
Listen
Ugh. Can you ask her to give feedback one on one next time?
Listen
Compare the two replies
“My flight got canceled. I’m going to miss my brother’s graduation.”
Listen
Not this: Can you get a train instead?
This: Oh no, his graduation? That’s awful. Does he know yet?
What does the second reply do before any fix?
Listen
It changes the subject.
Listen
It offers a better fix.
Listen
It says how it feels, then asks about it.
Listen
When someone’s phone gets stolen
TimSomeone stole my phone at the gym. Everything was on it.
Listen
You: Wait, at the gym? That’s so stressful. What happened?
Does this reply put feelings before fixes?
Listen
Fix first
Listen
Feelings first
Listen
When someone’s boyfriend gets uninvited from a wedding
EricaMy sister just uninvited my boyfriend from her wedding.
Listen
You: You need to talk to her before the wedding.
Does this reply put feelings before fixes?
Listen
Fix first
Listen
Feelings first
Listen
When a friend gets put on the night shift
Wednesday, a text from your friend Vince
Listen
VinceMy boss just moved me to the night shift. Starting next week.
Listen
What do you say first?
Listen
Can you ask to switch with someone?
Listen
Nights, starting next week? That’s brutal. Is it for good?
Listen
Ugh, I worked nights once. I never slept.
Listen
When someone asks what you’d do about a rent increase
Saturday, after Brianna has told you all about her rent going up
Listen
BriannaThanks for listening. Okay, honestly, what would you do?
Listen
Brianna asked what you’d do. What do you say?
Listen
I’d ask your landlord for a smaller increase. Want help writing the email?
Listen
Ugh, I don’t know. It’s just so unfair.
Listen
Okay: ask your landlord to lower it, get a roommate, look at other places, and ask your parents.
Listen
When someone’s best friend is moving away
MarkMy best friend is moving across the country next month.
Listen
Say how it feels, then ask about it.
Listen
One way to reply
- React to what they saidOh, that’s hard.
- Ask them a questionWhen did you find out?
How hard it is, then a question about it. Mark can tell you more, and any ideas can come later.
Listen
Lines to leave out
- You can always visit. Flights are cheap. A fix before you know how Mark feels about it. Say how hard it is first, then ask.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - At least you still have a month. “At least” makes it smaller than it is to Mark. Say how hard it is instead.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
What the research found
People rated a friend’s advice better, and more likely to be used, when comfort and questions came first.
Your mission
Next time a friend tells you about a problem, say how it feels and ask one question about it before you suggest anything.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Carly follows this lesson’s questions.