Help someone through a hard time: start with how they feel
Say how hard it is first: “That’s awful. I’d be upset too.” Then let them choose: talk it through, or take a break from it.
Start with how they feel
Acknowledge how it feels, then let them choose what they need.
When someone tells you something hard happened, they’re letting you in. Start with how it feels for them: “That’s awful. I’d be upset too.” Then let them choose what they need: to talk it through, or to take a break from it. “At least…” and “You should…” skip the feeling. Acknowledge it, then hand them the choice.
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“I got laid off this morning. No warning at all.”
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Not this: At least you’ll have some time off now.
This: That’s awful. I’d be in shock. Want to talk it through, or get out of the house tonight?
When a friend texts that they just broke up
Late Sunday, a text from a close friend
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LilySo we broke up last night. I’m kind of a mess.
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What would you say?
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Honestly? You can do better.
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Wait, what happened?? Tell me everything.
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Oh no, of course you are. I’m so sorry. Want to talk about it, or want a distraction?
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Compare the two replies
“I got laid off this morning. No warning at all.”
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Not this: At least you’ll have some time off now.
This: That’s awful. I’d be in shock. Want to talk it through, or get out of the house tonight?
Why does the second reply help?
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It says how hard this is, then lets them choose what’s next.
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It cheers them up.
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It asks them a question.
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When a friend’s car dies
Tuesday morning, a call from a friend
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AaronMy car died on the way to work. The repair costs more than the car is worth. Guess I’m car shopping.
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What do you say first?
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Ugh, tell me about it. My check engine light has been on for a month.
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That’s so stressful. Want to vent, or want help figuring out what’s next?
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You should just get something used. Want me to send you some listings, or do you know what you want?
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When a friend didn’t get the job
Home, after work
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FionaI didn’t get the job. Four interviews, and they hired someone who already works there. I really wanted this one.
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What do you say first?
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Four interviews? That’s brutal. I’d be so frustrated. Want my take, or do you just want to vent?
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Do you want to talk about it, or leave it for now?
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Their loss. Something better is going to come along, I can feel it.
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When a friend’s best friend stops texting them back
Thursday, coffee with a friend
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KaraMy best friend has been ignoring my texts for two weeks. I don’t even know what I did.
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What do you say first?
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Two weeks, and no idea why? That’s really hard. Want to talk it out, or think about something else?
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She was always kind of flaky anyway.
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Okay, do you want advice, or should I just listen?
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When a friend’s parent is having surgery
JonahMy dad’s having surgery on Friday. I’m trying not to think about it.
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Start with how it feels, then let Jonah choose.
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One way to reply
- React to what they saidOh no, that’s scary.
- Add something about youI’d be worried too.
- Ask them a questionWant to talk about it, or want help not thinking about it?
How scary it is, that you’d worry too, then a choice that borrows Jonah’s own words. He can take either one without explaining a thing.
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Lines to leave out
- He’ll be fine. They do this every day. Nobody can promise that yet, and it hints that Jonah is worrying over nothing. Let it be scary for a minute.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - You should take Friday off to be there. A plan for Friday pulls Jonah back into the thing he’s trying not to think about. Let him choose whether he wants help planning.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
What the research found
Across 23 studies, comfort that acknowledged and explored feelings worked better than comfort that skipped past them.
Your mission
Next time someone tells you something went wrong, even something small, acknowledge how it feels first, then let them choose what they need.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Nate follows this lesson’s questions.