Have the “what are we” talk by saying what you want
Say what you want in one plain line, then ask what they want. If they’re not sure yet, don’t take back what you said.
Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.
Start the “what are we” talk
Say what you want plainly, ask what they want, and don’t take it back.
When you like where something is going, saying so feels risky, so people go vague: “Let’s see where it goes.” Vague leaves them guessing what you want. Say it in one plain line, then ask what they want. If their answer is unsure, keep yours. Taking it back tells them you didn’t mean it.
Listen
“So what are we doing here? Like, us.”
Listen
Not this: Ha, I don’t know. Having fun?
This: I want to keep seeing you, just you. What do you want?
When they bring up what you two are
Choose “A woman” or “A man” above to see the questions.
Six weeks in, Sunday morning at the farmers market
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BethMy friends keep asking what we are, and I never know what to tell them.
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What would you say?
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Ha, tell them we’re having fun.
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What do you think we are?
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I’d like it to be just us. What would you tell them?
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Six weeks in, Sunday morning at the farmers market
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LiamMy brother wants to know if I’m bringing you to his birthday. As my what, though?
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What would you say?
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What do you want to tell him?
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Ha, tell him I’m your plus-one.
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I’d like it to be just us. What would you tell him?
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Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?
Compare the two replies
“So what are we doing here? Like, us.”
Listen
Not this: Ha, I don’t know. Having fun?
This: I want to keep seeing you, just you. What do you want?
What does the second reply do?
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It’s more romantic.
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It says what you want, then asks what they want.
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It keeps them from feeling put on the spot.
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When they don’t know what they want yet
Choose “A woman” or “A man” above to see the questions.
AbbyOh. I like you a lot. I just don’t know what I want yet.
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You: Oh, ha, no, totally. Forget I said anything!
You told Abby you only want to see her. Does your reply keep what you said?
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Takes it back
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Keeps it
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LucasHuh. Okay. I haven’t really thought about it.
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You: Ha, yeah, me neither. It’s whatever.
You told Lucas you only want to see him. Does your reply keep what you said?
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Takes it back
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Keeps it
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When they say they don’t want anything serious
Choose “A woman” or “A man” above to see the questions.
Two months in, on Elise’s couch
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EliseI really like you. I’m just not looking for anything serious right now.
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You want something serious. What do you say?
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I get it. I am looking for something serious, so I’d rather say that now.
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Totally, me neither!
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You’ll change your mind once you get to know me.
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Two months in, on Connor’s couch
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ConnorI’m having fun. I don’t think I want a relationship right now, though.
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You want a relationship. What do you say?
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I get it. I do want a relationship, so I’d rather say that now.
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Totally, me neither!
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You’ll change your mind once you get to know me.
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When they ask where this is going
Choose “A woman” or “A man” above to see the questions.
CaraCan we talk about what we’re doing? I don’t want to keep guessing.
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Finish your answer to Cara.
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Me neither. I want whatever you want.
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Me neither. I want it to be just us. What about you?
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Me neither. I want to see where it goes. What about you?
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GabrielOkay, serious question. Should I be deleting my dating apps?
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Finish your answer to Gabriel.
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Good question. I want whatever you want.
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Good question. I want it to be just us, so yes. What about you?
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Good question. I want to see where it goes. What about you?
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What the research found
Saying plainly that you were interested made a partner more sure of you, and more drawn to you, than staying vague.
Your mission
Next time you know what you want from someone you’re seeing, say it in one line, then ask what they want.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation follows this lesson’s questions.
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?