Connsmitten.Get started

Stay warm when someone seems uninterested

A flat “Thanks. It took a while.” after a compliment is usually just how they talk. Stay warm and ask one short question about what they said.

Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.

Assume they like you

Stay warm and ask a short question, even when they give you little.

Some people answer short and flat. It’s usually just how they talk, and people like you more than you think. So act like they already do: keep your next line warm and easy, and ask a short question about something they said. “I’ll leave you to it” treats their flat line like a no. A real no looks different: they turn away, or say they have to go.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

“I’m not really a party person.”

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Not this: Oh, sorry. I’ll leave you to it.

This: Totally fair. What got you out tonight?

When a compliment gets a flat “Thanks”

Tuesday, you just complimented a coworker’s presentation

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

DianaThanks. It took a while.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

What would you say?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Well, it paid off! What took the longest?
You stayed warm and asked one short question about what Diana said. “It took a while” was an opening, and now she can tell you as much as she likes.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Yeah, I bet.
Matching Diana’s flat tone feels safe, and it ends the moment there. “It took a while” was easy to ask about, and someone who talks this little rarely brings it up again.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Sorry, did that come out weird? I just meant it was really clear.
It takes Diana’s flat “Thanks” as a sign the compliment landed wrong, and starts explaining it. She accepted it, so there’s nothing to fix.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.

Listen to Dan open the conversation

Hey! How was your weekend?

Dan
Get started

Compare the two replies

“I’m not really a party person.”

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Not this: Oh, sorry. I’ll leave you to it.

This: Totally fair. What got you out tonight?

Why does the second reply work?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
It agrees with them.
“Totally fair” agrees, and on its own it would end things too. The short question after it is what gives them a turn.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
It politely gives them a way out of the conversation.
That’s the first reply: “I’ll leave you to it” offers a way out they never asked for. Not liking parties isn’t the same as not wanting to talk.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
It stays warm and asks a short question about them.
“Totally fair” shows their line didn’t put you off, and the question lets them say as much or as little as they like.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When a friend gives a one-line answer

CodyJust got back from the gym.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You: Haha sorry, you’re probably tired. I’ll let you rest!

Does this reply keep the conversation going?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ends it
It reads a short answer as a hint to go and ends the chat before Cody can say more. He did answer you, and one easy question about the gym would keep it going.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Keeps it going
That one kills it: it says sorry and leaves before Cody gets a turn. Try “Nice. Which gym do you go to?”
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone says it was “nice”

JaredThe wedding was nice.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You: Oh, fun! What was the best part?

Does this reply keep the conversation going?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ends it
That one’s alive. Jared’s “nice” was flat, and the reply didn’t take it personally: one easy question about the wedding, and he has a turn.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Keeps it going
It stays warm and asks one short question about the wedding. Jared can answer with one moment or the whole day, and either way it keeps going.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When your sister’s new boyfriend doesn’t watch sports

Sunday dinner at your parents’, with your sister’s new boyfriend

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

MalikI don’t really watch sports.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You asked Malik if he wants to watch the game. What do you say next?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh, me neither, really. I mean, I watch sometimes, but mostly for my family, you know?
It bends your answer to match his and ends on “you know?”, which asks Malik to agree with you. A short question about him is easier to answer.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh. Okay, no worries.
Polite, and the conversation ends along with the game. Malik turned down the game, not you.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
That’s fair. What do you two do on Sundays instead?
You took it as a fact about Malik, not about you, and asked one short question about his Sundays with your sister. Now he gets to talk about something he cares about.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Practice with a woman or a man?

When your date gives you little to go on

Choose “A woman” or “A man” above to see the questions.

Thursday, a coffee date

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

KimI teach second grade.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Kim hasn’t smiled much so far. What do you say?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
That’s so cool. You must be amazing with kids, right?
The compliment asks Kim to agree she’s great with kids, and the easy answer is a shrug. A short question about her class is easier to answer.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh, cool. My mom was a teacher. She brought papers home every night, and I’d help her grade the spelling tests.
Friendly, and it turns into your story with nothing for Kim to answer. Long stories are hard to tell to someone who gives little back; a short question hands her the turn.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh, nice. How long have you been teaching?
Warm, short, and about what Kim just said. She can answer with a number or tell you how she got into it, whichever she wants.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Thursday, a coffee date

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

MarcoI work at a bike shop. Repairs, mostly.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Marco has kept his answers short so far. What do you say?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
That’s so cool. You must know everything about bikes, right?
The compliment asks Marco to agree he’s an expert, and the easy answer is a shrug. A short question about the shop is easier to answer.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh, cool. I’ve been meaning to get a bike. I rode everywhere as a kid, but now I take the bus, and it takes forever.
Friendly, and it turns into your story with nothing for Marco to answer. Long stories are hard to tell to someone who gives little back; a short question hands him the turn.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh, nice. How long have you been there?
Warm, short, and about what Marco just said. He can answer with a number or tell you how he ended up there, whichever he wants.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone sounds flat about the place you picked

ShannonSo you picked this place?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Shannon sounds flat. Finish your answer.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I did, and I’m glad you made it. Have you been here before?
A warm answer, then a short question about her. Shannon gets an easy turn without having to think of what to ask.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I did, but we can go somewhere else if you’d rather?
It hears a complaint in a plain question and offers to leave. Shannon only asked, and nothing she said was a no.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I did, because the reviews were good, and it’s close to everyone, and there’s a lot on the menu.
Three reasons for a question that only asked who picked it. It defends the place before Shannon has said a word against it.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone shares a hobby and stops there

JanelleI’ve been learning guitar. Slowly.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Stay warm, then ask Janelle one short question.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

One way to reply

  1. React to what they saidGuitar! Nice.
  2. Ask them a questionWhat made you pick it up?

Warm, then one short question about the guitar. “Slowly” didn’t put you off, and now Janelle has an easy turn.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Lines to leave out

  • You seem like you’d be a natural. A compliment is hard to answer when someone talks this flat, and it often gets a quiet thanks and nothing more. Keep it on the guitar.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice
  • Next stop, a stadium tour. Save me a front-row seat. A joke asks Janelle for a laugh, and someone who answers this flat may not give one. A question about the guitar only asks her to answer.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice

What the research found

People who expected to be rejected acted colder, and were accepted less because of it.
Stinson et al., Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2009

Your mission

Next time someone’s flat answer makes you want to back off, stay warm and ask one short question about what they said.

In the Connsmitten app

A practice conversation with Rachel follows this lesson’s questions.

Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.

Listen to Dan open the conversation

Hey! How was your weekend?

Dan
Get started

How to talk to people