Stand by your choice when someone judges it
When someone questions your plan or what you spent, say what’s fair in their point, then keep your choice and give your reason.
Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.
Hear it, keep it
Say what’s fair in their point, then keep yours.
When someone questions your choices, it’s often how they care, or just how they talk. Say what’s fair in their point in a few words, then keep your choice. The fair part is right there in what they said; the reason is why you chose it. “I shouldn’t have spent that” gives it away, and snapping back starts a fight.
Listen
“Two hundred dollars for a concert? To stand in a crowd?”
Listen
Not this: Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t have spent that.
This: I know, it’s a lot. I’ve wanted to see them live since high school, so it’s worth it to me.
When family teases your plan in the group chat
Sunday night, the family group chat
Listen
EliA month off social media? You lasted two days last time 😂
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What would you say?
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Ha, true. I’ll probably cave by Tuesday.
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Fair, I’ve tried before. This time I deleted the apps, so it’s harder to cheat.
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No, I’m serious. It eats my evenings, it wrecks my sleep, and I can’t focus at work.
Listen
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?
Compare the two replies
“Two hundred dollars for a concert? To stand in a crowd?”
Listen
Not this: Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t have spent that.
This: I know, it’s a lot. I’ve wanted to see them live since high school, so it’s worth it to me.
Why does the second reply work better?
Listen
It sounds more sure of itself.
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It agrees it’s a lot, then keeps the concert.
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It explains why the concert is worth the money to you.
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When a friend says “You’re leaving already?”
HollyAw, you’re leaving already? It’s not even ten.
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You: Ha, okay, fine. I’ll stay a bit.
Does this reply keep your choice?
Listen
Gives it up
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Keeps it
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When your date teases the plan you picked
Choose “A woman” or “A man” above to see the questions.
ElenaMini golf for a first date? Fun, but isn’t that kind of a kid thing?
Listen
You: Ha, a little. I wanted something where we could talk the whole time.
Does this reply keep your choice?
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Gives it up
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Keeps it
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HugoMini golf for a first date? What are we, twelve?
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You: Ha, a little. I wanted us to do something, not just sit across a table.
Does this reply keep your choice?
Listen
Gives it up
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Keeps it
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When a friend one-ups you
Lunch with a friend
Listen
ArjunTen thousand steps? Cute. I did twenty-five thousand on Saturday.
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What do you say back?
Listen
Sure, but I did mine on a workday.
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Okay, you win. Ten thousand is a big day for me, though. I’m at a desk all week.
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Okay, you win. Mine sounds like nothing next to that.
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When a coworker doubts your idea
AliciaNo-meeting Fridays? I don’t know. Those never last.
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You’ve said what’s fair. Now keep your idea.
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True, they usually don’t, but at least I’m trying something.
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True, they usually don’t, but I need a day to focus, so I’d still try a month.
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True, they usually don’t, so let’s just forget it and keep Fridays the way they are.
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When someone questions what you spent
VictorYou paid ninety dollars for a pillow?
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Say what’s fair, then keep your choice.
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One way to reply
- React to what they saidFair, that’s a lot for a pillow.
- Add something about youI haven’t slept well in months, so it’s worth a try.
You agreed ninety dollars is a lot, then kept the pillow with your reason. Victor got his point, and you kept yours.
Listen
Lines to leave out
- Sorry, I know I’m bad with money. That apologizes for a choice you made on purpose. Victor asked about a pillow, and now it’s about whether you’re bad with money.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - You spent more than that on headphones. That snaps back, and now you’re arguing about Victor’s headphones instead of your pillow.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - I can always send it back. That makes the pillow a maybe after one question. Your reason for buying it is enough to keep it.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
What the research found
Acknowledging the other side early in a disagreement kept it from escalating and made people more persuasive.
Your mission
Next time someone questions a plan or a choice of yours, say what’s fair in their point, then keep it with your reason, and notice whether they ease up.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Jess follows this lesson’s questions.
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?