Talk to someone who doesn’t talk much by sharing first
With someone quiet, don’t wait for a question. Share one thing you did, like a show you started watching, then ask what they’ve been watching.
Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.
Share first
Share one specific thing about you, then ask about the same thing.
Someone quiet is often friendly, just slow to offer much, and they rarely ask back, so don’t wait for a question. Share first: say one specific thing you did or are doing, then ask them about that same thing. A broad question makes them search for an answer. Share yours first, and they only have to match it.
Listen
“Not much, honestly.”
Listen
Not this: Cool. So what do you do for fun?
This: I made a big pot of lentil soup last night. Do you like to cook?
Catching up with a quiet cousin
Sunday, a family birthday in the backyard, next to a quiet cousin you see once a year
Listen
NoelleYeah, it’s been a while.
Listen
What would you say?
Listen
It really has! So what have you been up to?
Listen
I know! Work’s been so busy this year, I barely see anyone anymore.
Listen
It has. I started playing tennis again this spring. Do you still play?
Listen
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?
Compare the two replies
“Not much, honestly.”
Listen
Not this: Cool. So what do you do for fun?
This: I made a big pot of lentil soup last night. Do you like to cook?
Why does the second reply work with someone quiet?
Listen
It fills the silence before it gets awkward for either of you.
Listen
It shares something specific, then asks about the same thing.
Listen
It gives them a specific detail they can ask about.
Listen
When someone answers “Work’s fine”
GrantWork’s fine. Pretty busy.
Listen
You: Oh, okay. So where did you grow up? Any siblings?
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
Listen
Ends it
Listen
Keeps it going
Listen
At the start of a call with someone quiet
KenjiHey. Yeah, I can hear you.
Listen
You: Great. I’m on my second coffee already. Are you a coffee person?
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
Listen
Ends it
Listen
Keeps it going
Listen
Morning small talk with a quiet new roommate
Saturday morning, the kitchen, with your quiet new roommate
Listen
TaraMorning. Yeah, I slept okay, thanks.
Listen
What do you say next?
Listen
I’m off to the farmers market soon. Have you been to it yet?
Listen
I’m off to the farmers market soon. I go most Saturdays. Where did you live before this?
Listen
Nice. Any big plans this weekend?
Listen
When a short text leaves you nothing to answer
Biancahaha yeah, it was a good weekend
Listen
Finish your text so Bianca has something easy to answer.
Listen
Mine too. I went thrifting and found a lamp I love. Do you ever go thrifting?
Listen
Mine too. I cleaned, ran errands, caught up on sleep, and called my parents. Nothing exciting, honestly.
Listen
Mine too. I mostly stayed in. Do you have any hobbies?
Listen
When a new coworker gives you a short answer
NolanIt’s going okay. Still my first week.
Listen
Share something of yours, then ask Nolan about the same thing.
Listen
One way to reply
- Add something about youI take the early train in, mostly for a seat.
- Ask them a questionHow’s your commute so far?
Your train, then a question about the same thing. Nolan only has to match it, and a new job usually means a new commute.
Listen
Lines to leave out
- What do you like to do outside of work? A question that big asks Nolan to sum up his whole life outside work, and someone quiet will usually say “Not much.”
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - Where did you work before this? A fair question, on a different topic from the train, so there’s nothing of yours for Nolan to match. Keep the question on the commute.
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - You’ll like it here. Everyone’s really nice. Kind, and there’s nothing in it to answer, so Nolan can only say “Good to know.”
Listen
Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
What the research found
People who talked more, up to 70% of the time, were liked more, and their partners enjoyed the talk just as much.
Your mission
Next time you’re the one asking all the questions, share one specific thing you did this week, then ask about that same thing, and notice whether they say more.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Leah follows this lesson’s questions.
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?