Start a conversation with a stranger from what you both see
Skip the clever opener. Name something you can both see, like a slow line or the book in their hands, then say what you think of it or ask a question.
Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.
Open with what’s there
Start with something you both can see or share, then add an opinion or a question.
You don’t need a clever opener. The best one is usually in front of you both: the shelf, the delay, the machine that won’t work. Name it, then add a quick take or a question so they have something easy to answer.
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“Is this dryer free?”
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Not this: Yeah.
This: Yeah, go for it. Fair warning: that one eats socks. I’m down two this month.
When a stranger asks “Am I in your way?”
A bookstore, the new releases table
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KendraOh, sorry. Am I in your way?
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What would you say?
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No, you’re fine.
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Not at all. Do you come here often?
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No, you’re fine. Is that one any good? I keep picking it up and putting it back.
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Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?
Compare the two replies
“Is this dryer free?”
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Not this: Yeah.
This: Yeah, go for it. Fair warning: that one eats socks. I’m down two this month.
Why does the second one start a conversation?
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It’s funny.
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It adds a take on the thing you’re both looking at.
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It’s longer.
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Sharing a bus shelter in the rain
YasminMind if I squeeze in? This rain came out of nowhere.
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You: Come on in. I think this bus shelter was built for one and a half people.
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
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Ends it
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Keeps it going
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Meeting someone at a game night
A friend’s game night, before it starts
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A woman you haven’t met is reading the back of a board game box. What do you open with?
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Crazy weather lately, huh?
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So, what do you do?
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Have you played this one? I can’t tell if it’s fun or forty pages of rules.
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When a stranger reaches past you for a paint swatch
JamalExcuse me, I just need to grab one of those paint swatches.
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Build the reply: react to what they said, add something about you, then ask them a question.
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One way to reply
- React to what they saidGo ahead. There are way too many greens.
- Add something about youI’ve been standing here ten minutes trying to pick one for my hallway.
- Ask them a questionWhat are you painting?
A take on the swatches, a bit of your own paint problem, and an easy question. Everything Jamal could answer is right in front of you both.
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Lines to leave out
- Do you live around here? It jumps past the paint you’re both staring at. Start with what’s there, and questions about him can come later.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - Okay. “Okay” lets Jamal grab the swatch and go. Say something about the wall of colors you’re both facing.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
When a stranger says “Yeah, it’s really good”
At the bookstore, you asked the man next to you about the book in his hands. He says:
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“Yeah, it’s really good.”
Which one sounds like he wants to keep talking?
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First one
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Second one
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When you’re both browsing the staff picks
The bookstore, the staff picks shelf
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The woman next to you is reading the handwritten card under a staff pick. Pick the opener.
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Sorry to bother you.
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Whoever writes these cards should be writing the books. Have you read this one?
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Do you read a lot?
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In a line that isn’t moving
The bookstore, the checkout line
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The line isn’t moving. The man ahead of you is holding a giant atlas. Pick the opener.
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That’s the biggest book I’ve ever seen anyone buy on purpose. Planning a trip?
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Hi! How’s your day going?
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Are you a geography teacher?
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When a stranger laughs and catches your eye
The bookstore, the poetry shelf
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A man laughs out loud at a page, then looks up and catches your eye. Pick the opener.
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Okay, now I need to know what’s funny in the poetry section.
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Sorry, didn’t mean to stare.
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You must really like poetry.
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Conversation starters with strangers
Open with what’s there
The DMV, a long wait
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The man next to you just sighed at the number on the screen. What do you open with?
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Nice sneakers.
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Hot out there today, huh?
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They’re on 31 and I’m 58. How about you?
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Open with what’s there
LeslieSorry! My dog is friendly, I promise. He runs up to everyone.
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You: No worries. He’s so excited. Is this his first time at this park?
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
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Ends it
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Keeps it going
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Open with what’s there
PhilIs this the line for passport photos?
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Build the reply: react to what they said, add something about you, then ask them a question.
Listen
One way to reply
- React to what they saidI think so, and it’s barely moving.
- Add something about youI’m renewing mine for a trip in June.
- Ask them a questionAre you going anywhere good?
You answered him, added your trip, and asked about his. Phil has a reason to keep talking while the line crawls.
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Lines to leave out
- No idea, sorry. That closes it before it starts. The line you’re both in is something to talk about.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice - Busy day, huh? Safe, and about nothing in particular. The line you’re both standing in is right there.
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Woman’s voiceMan’s voice
Open with what’s there
NatashaIs this seat taken? I can’t see the stage from back there.
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Finish it so it opens with what’s there.
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No, go ahead. Enjoy the show.
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No, go ahead. Do you go to a lot of concerts?
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No, go ahead. You can see everything from here. Have you seen them before?
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Open with what’s there
School pickup, waiting at the gate
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Every kid coming out is carrying a giant paper sun, and the mom next to you is laughing. What do you open with?
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Do you know if there’s early pickup on Friday?
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Hi! Are you new to the school? I don’t think I’ve seen you at pickup.
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Where are we supposed to put all these suns?
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How to make small talk at a party
Open with what’s there
A fundraiser at work, by the window
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A woman from accounting is reading the raffle prizes taped to the wall. What do you open with?
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Second prize is a label maker. Are you going for it?
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How long have you been with the company? I don’t think we’ve met.
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Nice party, right?
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Open with what’s there
FelixThey’re playing the cha-cha slide again. That’s the third time tonight.
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You: Third time! Are you going out there, or holding out like me?
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
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Ends it
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Keeps it going
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What the research found
In bar experiments, plain openers did better than cute, canned lines, which drew the most negative reactions.
Your mission
Before tomorrow, start one short conversation by naming something you and the other person can both see, plus a quick take or a question.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Hannah follows this lesson’s questions.
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?