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Keep a conversation going with follow-up questions

Your next question is already in what they just said, like a trip they mentioned. Ask about that, and they get to tell the story.

Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.

Take their hook

Ask about something they just said.

People drop hooks all the time: a place, a plan, a word they lean on. Pick one up and ask about it. It shows you were listening, and it lets them talk about what they care about.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

“Sorry I’m late. I got roped into face painting at my niece’s birthday.”

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Not this: No worries. So, what’s new?

This: Face painting! What was the most popular request?

When a stranger complains about a delayed train

A delayed train, the platform

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

LuisOf course it’s delayed. The one day I’m carrying a painting to my friend’s first gallery show.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

What would you say?

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Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ugh, the trains have been terrible all week.
The train is the least interesting thing Luis said. His friend’s first show is right there.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
A first show! Is that one of your friend’s paintings?
You picked up the best thing Luis said and asked about it. Now he gets to talk about his friend, the show, and the painting under his arm.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh, I love art.
That turns it to you before Luis has finished. Ask about the show first, and your love of art can come next.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.

Listen to Dan open the conversation

Hey! How was your weekend?

Dan
Get started

Compare the two replies

“Sorry I’m late. I got roped into face painting at my niece’s birthday.”

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Not this: No worries. So, what’s new?

This: Face painting! What was the most popular request?

What does the second reply do?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
It asks a question.
Both replies ask one, but “What’s new?” makes them start from zero. The second picks up what they just handed you.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
It sounds more excited.
Energy helps, but an excited “What’s new?” still walks past the face painting.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
It asks about something they just said.
Face painting was right there. Asking about it shows you heard them, and they get to tell the funny part.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone finishes a project

PeteI finally finished the bookshelf I was building. Only took three months.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You: Nice. Work’s been so busy for me lately.

Does this reply keep the conversation going?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ends it
That walks past three months of Pete’s work and turns it to you. His hook was right there.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Keeps it going
That one kills it by turning the moment to your week. Try “Three months! What was the hardest part?”
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone complains about their neighbors

JasmineI’m exhausted. My upstairs neighbors just started learning the drums.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You: Oh no. Are they getting any better?

Does this reply keep the conversation going?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ends it
That one’s alive: it asks about the drums, the exact thing Jasmine just said. It’ll probably get a laugh, too.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Keeps it going
It takes her hook, the drums, and turns a complaint into a story. Jasmine gets to vent and laugh at the same time.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When a coworker says they stayed up late

Monday, at work

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

AshleyI’m wiped. I stayed up until two finishing a puzzle my grandma sent me. A thousand pieces, all sky.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Which follow-up takes her hook?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I’m wiped too. I barely slept.
Matching how she feels turns it to you. The puzzle is what Ashley handed you.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Want to grab a coffee?
Kind, and it skips everything Ashley said. Ask about the puzzle first, and coffee can come after.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
A thousand pieces of sky? How do you even start that?
You took the strangest detail and asked about it. Ashley gets to tell the story of the night, and maybe about her grandma too.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone tells you about a big weekend

RajBig weekend. I spent Saturday helping my brother move into a fourth-floor walk-up, and somehow I still made it to my jiu-jitsu class.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Tap 3 things Raj said that you can ask about.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Big weekend.
That’s the headline, and the rest of the line explains it. The hooks are in the details.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I spent
That one doesn’t open anything. Look for something they could talk about.
Saturday
Saturday says when it happened. A hook is something you can ask about for a minute.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
helping my brother move
You can ask about this.
into a
That one doesn’t open anything. Look for something they could talk about.
fourth-floor walk-up,
You can ask about this.
and somehow I still made it to
Close: that’s pride, and it points at what comes next. Tap the thing Raj is proud of.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
my jiu-jitsu class.
You can ask about this.
Show the answer

You can ask about “helping my brother move”, “fourth-floor walk-up” and “my jiu-jitsu class”.

Three hooks in one breath. Notice “somehow I still made it”: Raj is proud of the jiu-jitsu class, so that’s the one to ask about.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

When someone tells you about something they just started

TrevorI just started volunteering at a community garden on Saturdays.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Build the reply: react to what they said, add something about you, then ask them a question.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

One way to reply

  1. React to what they saidA community garden! I love that.
  2. Add something about youI can barely keep one basil plant alive on my windowsill.
  3. Ask them a questionWhat do they have you doing so far?

You stayed on the garden the whole way: a reaction, your struggling basil, then a question. Trevor gets to talk about the thing he’s excited about.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Lines to leave out

  • Anyway, how’s work? That drops his hook. Stay on the garden for at least one more question.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice
  • What else is new? “What else is new?” walks past the garden. Ask about the thing he just told you.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice

Chatting with a stranger while you wait

The platform, twenty minutes to wait

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Keep the conversation going.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

SimoneTwenty more minutes. Of course.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ugh, and I’m already late for work.
Fair, but it turns the wait into your problem. Ask where Simone’s headed, and she has something to talk about.
Every time. Where are you headed?
Simone is more interested. Agree, then ask. The delay is something you share, and the question gives Simone a reason to talk.
Yeah.
Simone is less interested. Polite, and it leaves Simone nowhere to go. A question would make the wait shorter for both of you.

SimoneI’m supposed to be at my cousin’s engagement party. I’m late, and I’m in charge of the playlist.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Engagement parties are a lot.
A reaction, but to parties in general. Simone gave you a playlist to ask about.
Oh, I went to one last month.
Simone is less interested. That turns it to your party. Stay on hers a little longer, since the playlist is the hook.
So the party can’t start without you. What’s on the playlist?
Simone is more interested. You took the best hook, the playlist, and made Simone the star of it. Now she gets to talk about music.

SimoneWay too much 2000s pop. Okay, tell me one I’m missing.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ha, good luck.
Simone is less interested. Simone asked you in, and “good luck” says goodbye.
Mr. Brightside. Non-negotiable. Is your family the dancing kind?
Simone is more interested. A confident pick, then a question about her party. Simone gets a song and another turn.
I don’t really know music.
Simone is less interested. Simone asked for your pick and got a pass. Any song you like would do.

How it ends, depending on what you say

SimoneThat’s my train. Fastest twenty minutes of my week.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Every reply picked up something Simone said: the wait, the party, the playlist. She did most of the talking and left feeling heard.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

SimoneThat’s me. Nice chatting.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Friendly, and it stayed small. The party and the playlist were both questions waiting, and each one you pick up makes the wait go faster.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

SimoneAnyway. I’m going to put my music back on.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

The conversation ran out of things to hold, so Simone went back to her music. When someone hands you a detail, ask about it.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Follow-up questions for someone you just met

Take their hook

A friend’s housewarming, the kitchen

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

SoniaI just got back from my cousin’s wedding in Lisbon. I’m still on Portugal time.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Which reply takes her hook?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Oh nice. I’ve always wanted to travel more.
That turns it to you before Sonia has told you anything. The wedding in Lisbon is right there.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Jet lag is the worst. Did you sleep at all on the flight?
It asks about the jet lag, the least interesting thing Sonia said. The wedding in Lisbon is right there.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Lisbon! What was the wedding like?
You picked up the best thing Sonia said and asked about it. She gets to tell you about the wedding and the trip.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Take their hook

A wedding reception, your table

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

FemiI’m the groom’s old roommate. We lived above a bowling alley for three years.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Which reply takes his hook?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ha. Where do you live now?
It drops the bowling alley for a question Femi has answered a hundred times.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Above a bowling alley! What was that like?
Three years above a bowling alley is a story, and you asked for it. Femi gets to tell it, groom included.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I’m a friend of the bride.
That skips past what Femi offered. Ask about the bowling alley years.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Take their hook

A neighbor’s birthday party

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

HassanI drive long haul for a living. I was in nine states last week.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Which reply takes his hook?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Nine states! What was the best stop?
You took the nine states and asked about the good part. Hassan gets to talk about the road, which is his life most weeks.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
That sounds exhausting. Do you like it?
That asks for a yes or a no about his whole job. Hassan gave you nine states to ask about.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I hate driving. I take the train everywhere.
It turns to you and knocks what he does for a living. Ask about his week first.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

How not to run out of things to say

Take their hook

Lunch with a coworker

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

TinaI spent Sunday at a cooking class my sister got me for my birthday. I was the only one who burned the rice.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Which reply takes her best hook?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Happy belated birthday! When was it?
It asks about the least interesting part. The burned rice is the story Tina is waiting to tell.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
You burned the rice? How?
You picked the funniest thing she said. Tina gets to tell the story and laugh at herself while she does.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I can’t cook at all.
It turns to you, and Tina never gets to tell the story. Ask how the rice burned.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Take their hook

JoannaLong week. I had jury duty on Monday, my car died on the way home, so now I’m biking to work.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Tap 3 things Joanna said that you can ask about.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Long week.
That’s the headline. The rest of the line says why, and the hooks are in there.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
I had
That one doesn’t open anything. Look for something they could talk about.
jury duty
You can ask about this.
on Monday,
Monday is when, not what. Ask about the what.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
my car died
You can ask about this.
on the way home,
That one doesn’t open anything. Look for something they could talk about.
so now I’m
That one doesn’t open anything. Look for something they could talk about.
biking to work.
You can ask about this.
Show the answer

You can ask about “jury duty”, “my car died” and “biking to work”.

Three hooks in one breath. Jury duty is the one people love to tell, and the bike is the one Joanna is living with right now.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Take their hook

AmberI just adopted a retired greyhound. She’s scared of the stairs.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Build the reply: react to what they said, add something about you, then ask them a question.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

One way to reply

  1. React to what they saidScared of the stairs? Oh no.
  2. Add something about youMy parents’ dog won’t walk past the vacuum.
  3. Ask them a questionHow are you getting her up to your place?

A reaction, your parents’ dog, then a question about hers. Amber gets to talk about the greyhound she’s excited about.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Lines to leave out

  • Dogs are so much work. That knocks the thing Amber is excited about. Stay on her new dog.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice
  • What else is going on with you? That walks past the greyhound. Ask about the dog she just told you about.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice

Take their hook

RitaWork’s been wild. We launch a new app on Friday and half of it doesn’t work yet.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You: Oh no. Anything fun planned for the weekend?

Does this reply keep the conversation going?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ends it
That walks past the launch for a brand-new topic. Rita handed you Friday and the half that doesn’t work.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Keeps it going
That one kills it by changing the subject. Say “Friday! What’s left to fix?”
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

What to say when someone shares good news

Take their hook

WayneI quit my job last month to go back to school for architecture.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

You: Big change! What made you go for it now?

Does this reply keep the conversation going?

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Ends it
That one’s alive. It takes Wayne’s hook, going back to school, and asks the question he wants to answer.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice
Keeps it going
You asked about the decision itself, the biggest thing Wayne said. He gets to tell you why.
Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Take their hook

DanielleGuess who got the apartment with the balcony!!

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Build the reply: react to what they said, add something about you, then ask them a question.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

One way to reply

  1. React to what they saidYou got it!
  2. Add something about youAll I have is a fire escape.
  3. Ask them a questionWhat’s the first thing you’re putting out there?

Excitement, your fire escape, then a question about her balcony. Danielle gets to talk about the place she wanted.

Listen
Woman’s voice
Man’s voice

Lines to leave out

  • How much is the rent? It turns her good news into a question about rent. Ask about the balcony first.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice
  • Congrats. Too flat for news this big. Leave it out.
    Listen
    Woman’s voice
    Man’s voice

What the research found

People who asked more follow-up questions were liked more by the people they talked to.
Huang et al., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017

Your mission

In your next conversation, pick up one specific thing the other person mentions and ask about it before you bring up anything new.

In the Connsmitten app

A practice conversation with Nick follows this lesson’s questions.

Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.

Listen to Dan open the conversation

Hey! How was your weekend?

Dan
Get started

How to talk to people