Be more interesting to talk to: give one specific detail
Instead of “not much,” name one specific thing, like the park near your place or the book you’re reading, so people have something to ask about.
Get comfortable talking to people. Connsmitten is an app for building social confidence through short lessons and practice conversations, with feedback from your coach.
Plant a hook
Give one specific detail they can ask about.
A hook is one specific detail someone could ask about. “Pretty close” is true, and there’s nothing in it to hold. Add a detail you already have: what’s near your place, the book you’re reading, what you did today. It doesn’t have to be interesting, just specific.
Listen
“Do you live around here?”
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Not this: Yeah, pretty close.
This: Yeah, ten minutes away, near the big park. I walk there most mornings.
When someone asks how you know the host
A friend’s party, the kitchen
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NinaSo how do you know Priya?
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What would you say?
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We worked at the same bookstore in college, on the late shift.
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We worked together for a while.
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Oh, it’s a long story.
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Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?
Compare the two answers
“Do you live around here?”
Listen
Not this: Yeah, pretty close.
This: Yeah, ten minutes away, near the big park. I walk there most mornings.
Why is the second answer easier to reply to?
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It sounds more confident.
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It names something specific they can ask about.
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It asks them a question back.
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When someone asks what you do outside work
OwenWhat do you do when you’re not working?
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You: Not much, honestly. I just relax.
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
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Ends it
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Keeps it going
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When a friend asks what you’ve been into
Catching up with a friend
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CarmenOkay, catch me up. What have you been into lately?
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Which answer plants a hook?
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I’ve been reading before bed. Right now it’s a mystery a coworker lent me.
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I’ve been reading a lot.
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Honestly, a lot of things.
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When someone asks what you do for work
AdamSo what do you do?
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Finish your answer so they have something to ask about.
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I work in logistics, it’s fine.
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I work in logistics, mostly getting deliveries to grocery stores on time.
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I work in logistics, for a company you’ve never heard of.
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When someone asks about your weekend plans
RosaAny plans this weekend?
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Finish your answer so they have something to ask about.
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I’m finally doing some stuff around the house.
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I’m finally getting some rest.
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I’m finally painting my bedroom, dark green.
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When a coworker says “Oh, that’s really cool”
You just told a coworker about your weekend climbing trip. She says:
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“Oh, that’s really cool.”
Which one sounds like she wants to keep talking?
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First one
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Second one
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Meeting someone new at a party
A friend’s party, the balcony
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Keep the conversation going.
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GavinHey, I’m Gavin. I only know Priya, and she just ditched me. What’s your story?
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Not much of a story, really.
I’m just here for a bit.
I came straight from a friend’s birthday dinner across town.
GavinHa, okay. So what keeps you busy these days?
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I teach eighth-grade science. This week we made volcanoes.
Work, and I’ve been trying to get outside more.
Work, mostly. It’s pretty boring.
GavinOkay, quick, before the toast starts. Best thing you did this month?
Listen
Nothing really comes to mind.
Probably this, honestly. Priya throws good parties.
I took a day trip to the coast with my sister.
How it ends, depending on what you say
GavinOkay, after the toast I want to hear about the coast. And the volcanoes.
Listen
Every answer gave Gavin a detail to ask about: the birthday, the volcanoes, the coast. He never had to search for what to say next.
Listen
GavinOh, that’s the toast. Nice meeting you.
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Friendly, and it stayed on the surface. Each general answer left Gavin looking for a new question, where a specific detail would have handed him one.
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GavinOh, I think someone’s waving at me. Excuse me.
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The answers gave Gavin too little to hold, so he found a way out. You don’t need to be impressive, just specific: one concrete detail per answer.
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How to answer “Where are you from?”
Plant a hook
A coworker’s going-away drinks
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TravisSo where are you from originally?
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Which answer plants a hook?
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Ohio.
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Oh, all over. My family moved a lot when I was a kid, so it’s complicated.
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A small town outside Columbus. One stoplight, and a corn maze every fall.
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How to answer “What are you up to?”
Plant a hook
CarlosBig plans tonight?
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Finish your answer so they have something to ask about.
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Not big. I’m making my mom’s veggie chili and calling it a night.
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Not big. I’m just staying in.
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Not big. I’m not sure yet. Something low-key, we’ll see how I feel.
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How to answer “What’s new with you?”
Plant a hook
A video call with a friend you haven’t seen in a while
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StacyOkay, what’s new with you?
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Which answer plants a hook?
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So much. I don’t even know where to start. It’s been a crazy few months.
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I’m finally learning to drive. My lessons are on Saturday mornings.
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Nothing much, same old.
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How to make small talk at the gym
Plant a hook
A yoga class, a few minutes before it starts
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WendyIs this your first time at this class?
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Which answer plants a hook?
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Yeah. A friend swears it fixed her back, so here I am.
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Yeah, I’m trying new things lately, getting out of my comfort zone a bit.
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Yeah.
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Open with what’s there
Open with what’s there: Start with something you both can see or share, then add an opinion or a question.
The gym, waiting for the machine you want
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TanyaWant to work in? I’ve got two more sets.
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Which reply opens with what’s there?
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Sure, thanks.
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Thanks so much. Do you usually work out here around this time?
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Sure, thanks! Is it always this packed at six?
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How to answer “What do you do for fun?”
Plant a hook
Lunch with a new coworker
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ReneeSo what do you do for fun?
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Which answer plants a hook?
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I play in a kickball league on Thursday nights.
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Oh, I’m pretty boring, honestly.
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The usual, I guess. Hanging out with friends, watching shows, going out on weekends, that kind of thing.
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Plant a hook
JustinWhat kind of music are you into?
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You: Oh, a little of everything.
Does this reply keep the conversation going?
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Ends it
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Keeps it going
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What the research found
People who shared more about themselves were liked more, and sharing invites the other person to share back.
Your mission
Next time someone asks what you’ve been up to, give one specific detail they could ask about, and notice whether they pick it up.
In the Connsmitten app
A practice conversation with Nina follows this lesson’s questions.
Build confidence for your next conversation. Take a two-minute lesson, then have your first practice conversation with Dan.
Listen to Dan open the conversation
Hey! How was your weekend?